Sometimes...

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder

what exactly it was that has made me the person I am.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder what causes me to have such empathy and deep love for those whose lives touch mine...and yet, have so very little left over for myself.

Sometimes I dance in the rain...just because I can.

Sometimes I doubt.

Sometimes, all of the time, I regret everything we'll never be able to do now.

Sometimes I believe that the small, exquisite moments throughout life almost make up for every ounce of heartache.

Sometimes I fall down more often than I move forward.

Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.

Sometimes I tiptoe around the house after Mama & Elizabeth are asleep, just so I can stand over them & make sure that they are safe, and warm, and...there.

Sometimes I ache so much it feels like I can't even breathe.

Sometimes I say "I love you" far too often. But it's only because you can still hear me.

* * *

I have no idea where my life will take me, but I

always wish to live it with abandon,

and sincerity, and faith.

That, my friends, is my deepest desire.

* * *

Sylvia...

* * *

"Paramount paid me by the tear."

Sylvia Sidney

* * *

One June Evening...

* * * *

There's just something about nighttime.

Something about the way the warm night air wraps itself around me & the stars that seem to bow down out of the heavens, so close it seems I can almost touch them.

Sometimes, I think it almost seems as if I could shout out, "God?" And surely, if I only listened hard enough, I could hear His voice come echoing back to me.

* * * *

Elizabeth & her small, blonde-haired friend sit together, cross-legged, engrossed in a game of cards. Their voices drift lazily across the concrete of our small front porch, winding across the front lawn to my listening ears.

The sound of their laughter, the look of happiness on Elizabeth's face...means everything to me. She deserves to just act like a normal, happy little girl for awhile. Before we know it, she'll be all grown up...

* * * *

Yes, there's just something...

* * * *

Ann-Margret...

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)


"...I am still many times fragile and
vulnerable; it's just the way I am.

My parents were like that, too.
It does present challenges for me.

I can be knocked over by a feather when I'm really down,
although, I must say that when I'm on stage, it's different."


Ann-Margret

In Search of Emily...

* * *

Have you ever lost yourself & never even realized it?

Have you ever fallen so far that one day you find

that, somehow, you've misplaced all of your old dreams?

* * *

These days, my one thought, the one beat of my heart, is trying to remember all of those little important things that make me...well, me. I'm trying to pick up all of the tiny, shattered pieces of my life; trying to remember those things I've always dreamt about; trying to remember just why I once thought they were so beautiful.

Over the last painful months, I've come to realize that it is the easiest thing to lose sight of who you really are, who you wish to be, in the midst of all encompassing grief. Before you know it, it seems the most impossible of things to find your way back to what you once considered...your everything.

It's easiest to just let yourself get lost in your grief, to give up on everything you've always hoped for, give up on those things it seems you were meant to be, meant to say, meant to stand witness to. But lately, more & more, I've felt pressed upon my heart the thought that, living your life like that, allowing yourself to give up on those things most important to you, would be such a...waste.

It would be throwing away what I've always stood for, always believed in. It would be forgetting what my Daddy would have hoped for me & what I have hoped for my own life.

So...no matter how hard it may be, no matter how narrow this road may seem to become, I'm going to try to remember those old, familiar dreams.

I'm a strong person. With the love of those nearest to me, the faith that still lives in my heart, & with the dream of a better tomorrow...I'm going to make it through.

I know I can.

* * *

Grace...

* * * * * *

"Women's natural role is to be a pillar of the family."

Grace Kelly

Cary...

* * * *

"I've often been accused by critics of being myself
on-screen. But being oneself is more
difficult than you'd suppose."

Cary Grant