Sunday, June 5, 2011

In Remembrance...

Two years ago today, my life changed in an instant.  Everything I had known before came to an end, everything I had planned for the future came to an abrupt, uncertain halt.  Even now, I can hardly believe that he's gone.  I still find myself in a shroud of disbelief at times...I still ache to hear the low rumble of his voice, to see him walking through our front door, to feel his arm around me.  It hurts more than anything to know that none of these things will ever happen again in my lifetime.  But the love we shared as a family?  That can never be taken away. 

Below you'll find a collection of short, raw pieces I wrote in the days after my father's death that were, in fact, never meant to be published, never meant to be shared with anyone besides my own self.  Back in those days, I mostly used my blog as an escape from the pain & uncertainty that overwhelmed me, outpouring the swirl of emotions & turmoil I was going through at the time onto these pages, and simply saving the drafts. 

Life isn't always pretty.  These snatches of my life at the time aren't pretty, either.  To you, they are most likely incoherent & meaningless, posting them here for myself, I'm remembering where I came from,  acknowledging where I am now, and reminding myself to look to the future as he would wish me to.  Love, friends, is worth every ounce of the heartache that can come along with it.

*          *          *          *

July 8, 2009

I wandered into someone else's life. Stepped out of the happiness. Left all of my dreams behind...and I can't find my way back.

*          *          *

August 17, 2009

I can't forget him. I can't move on.

I don't care what anyone says...I'm not ready to pick up my life where I left off; not ready to pretend that nothing has happened; that my heart isn't breaking every moment of every day.

My heart winces when his smile or the remembrance of his touch comes to mind...when I see something beautiful and wish that he was here to appreciate it with me.

People don't understand that I could care less what I eat, how much money I have, what I do each day, what I will do with the rest of my life.

He was such a huge part of me...he made me who I am today. I can't bear to think of the rest of my life without him. Every thing I have ever imagined has included him in can i manage to go on??

People tell me that I need to cling to my faith...that only makes me feel like they think I am a heathen, that it isn't alright to feel sorrow, to mourn.

*          *          *

September 13, 2009

Sometimes it feels as if I have left my old life behind, my old self.

It seems that I have skipped over everything near and familiar

they have fallen from my life
You hear the old cliches...your life can change in an instant...dont take anything for granted...but no matter how prepared you feel that you never really can be.
You never expect the phone call, the depth of pain, the absolute despair.

I dont know where I will go from here. My life doesn't seem real. I keep wondering when I will wake up, when I will feel my Daddy's arms wrapped around me in a tight hug. Somehow, I have slipped away from everything real to me. I am waiting.

*          *          *

September 28, 2009

"Don't be scared. I'm here."

But he isn't anymore.

*          *          *

October 4, 2009

Sometimes I wake up and I wonder where I am at in my life. I find myself trying to forget. I cling to everything that is new and different, everything that does not remind me of the life I am no longer able to lead.

*          *          *

November 2, 2009

Every day I wake up and wish that my life had ended too that day.

*         *          *

January 1, 2010

Sometimes it seems so difficult to express yourself, it seems easier to say...nothing at all. That is how I have felt these past few months. To speak of anything concerning my life is as rubbing salt in an open wound. Painful beyond words.

I love you all so dearly. You have brought friendship, and empathy, and such joy to my life. I really wonder where I would be without you.
I've always posted

but intertwined with all of my favorite classic film stars has always been the bits about my life, my thoughts, the day to day things that touch my heart...and they seem so glaringly absent.

I am so very, very lost. The only way to get around this huge painful ache inside is to try and forget anything and everything. To just pretend that this is how life has always been...

*          *          *

May 6, 2010

I'll be twenty-three tomorrow. Twenty-three.

Can you believe it...??
In many ways, it's a little bit frightening to me to realize that I'll never be twenty-two again. That may sound silly, but it's true. It seems that turning a year older is just losing one more strand that connects me to our old life; that connects me to him.
My thoughts weave over a multitude of tiny facts:

"I was twenty-two when Daddy and I..."

"When I was twenty-two we all went..."

"He told us that we meant more than..."

Such things make my heart ache beyond compare.

I know that turning a year older is just another passing of time. But...that's just it. I don't want time to go by. I don't want to leave anything else behind. It's the slipping off of one more thing...and it hurts. It makes me feel like more of a distance is being put between our lives now and the life we led; between all of us...and the man we loved more than anything. I know in my heart that nothing can ever really separate us, but I still wish that time would just...stop. If we can't go back together as the family we once were, I wish that we could just stay right here. At least for a little while & be close to what we always had. I'm not ready to move forward. At least not yet.

But that's not possible.

So...I have to take a deep breath.

And try to remember what he would want for me; for all of us.

And I know in my heart, without a doubt, he would tell me...

Have fun and learn something, too.

And smile, Linny.

Smile for me.

*          *          *

August 22, 2010

It's frightening to realize that's it's been more than a year and I still wake up with my heart pounding, sick to my stomach.

I'm trying to remember to live my life as he would wish me to. To be able to step outside & feel the warmth of the sun against my skin...and that's all. No gasping for breath, no sharp ache filling every ounce of my being.


Clare said...

I think your daddy would be very proud of you, dear one. 'Moving on' never really happens and I don't think it's meant to happen. You have something far more beautiful and more important... a heart open to Love which embraces past, present, and future. Thank your for sharing that heart with us, Emily dearest, and for being such an inspiration to me. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Darling girl, thank you for sharing these snatches of your life, and of your love, and your pain. Thank you for living through the days, and for looking to the future now with your father's eyes.

With love, tears, hope, prayer,
and admiration,

Jane Ellen said...

Dearest Emily,

Your transparency and openness is remarkable. These snatches are not at all meaningless -- they are you! I pray that the Lord would continue to comfort your broken heart. I love you, dear!

Many hugs and kisses,
Jane Ellen

Jane Ellen said...

'Allo, my dear.

I wanted to drop a line and mention that I check your blog almost everyday eagerly awaiting a new post. I miss hearing from you so much!

I pray that all is well with you, that you are enjoying life, and that you are mending.

I love you dear, though we have never met. Just thought you should know!

Jane Ellen

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your openess! I, too, have lost my father and your words express exactly how I'm feeling.