Saturday, June 13, 2009


I don't know what to say...

It has taken me more than a week to work up enough courage to sit down at the computer and write this post. I've panicked every time I've contemplated it. My chest tightens and I can hardly bear to breathe, let alone type out the words that explain a fact that I wish--more than anything I've ever wished--wasn't true. Writing them here only seems to make a horrible, horrible thing more real to me.

My dearest Daddy was killed in a tragic accident last week. Even now, I can hardly believe that it is true. I find myself still waiting to hear his footstep at the door; still expecting to see his face or hear the low hum of his voice at any moment.

My heart is broken...I know that my life will never again be the same.

I hope that someday I may be able to speak of him--to remember him--without this sharp, stabbing pain searing through every inch of me. For now, it is much, much too hard. My only hope is to get away, and for a little while...try to forget.

I don't know how we will live without him. I don't think that I can, and I know that I don't want to. My family, my world is shattered. He was our hero, our comforter, our everything...


Clare Marie-Therese Duroc said...

Dearest, darling Emily, it is so hard to contemplate life without the ones we love... I still can't believe that my future life will be one without my grandfather. When he died my uncle sent a card to my mother, who has also been aching with the pain of losing a father, with these simple but poignant words, and I wanted to share them with you:

"You will see him again."

Millie said...

Oh, wow, I am SO sorry! I will be praying for you and your family!

Nicole said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I am going to pray for you and your family as well.

hannahbelle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss!

I know there are no words to help. I don't know you, and I just added your blog the other day, but I will be thinking of you.

Millie said...

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalms 34:18

janice said...

Dear Emily,
I came here from S&S. I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for loss. May God wrap you and your family in His never ending love.


Eleree said...

Dearest Emily,

There are no words. Seeing this post, knowing the heartbreak it must have taken to post it, reading your words, broke me. I don't know what to say. Only know that I am thinking of you, and praying for you, and mourning with you, with all the breath that is in me.


A Wanderer said...

I just came by your blog. First off, you and your family have my condolences. Losing a loved one, especially a parent or child, is never easy.

Second, and more importantly, you will be able to go on. You will be able to live. How do I know? My own dad died in an accident. A handgun accidentally discharged, and the bullet went through his head. I was there when it happened. And I felt like the sun would never shine warm again. The third person I called that night was my pastor, and he told me to remember that while we mourn those who have passed, we have to remember to continue to live for the living.

At his memorial, I recited the following passage:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

My dad died shortly before Thanksgiving, the birthdays of very one of his children and wife, shortly before Christmas. Those days were hard. But you know what? There were still smiles and a few laughs, remembering the childish things my dad did in his Christmas excitement, and some tears too. It took several months of feeling completely lost in a shattered world to finally go outside one day and feel warmth beating down from the sun.

The first year is the hardest, the first Christmas without him, the first birthdays. And after that, getting married and then wishing with all your heart he could meet your children. But a lot of the pain heals. The missing will never go completely away, but your life will continue. The BEST way to honor him is to take what you've learned from him and apply it to your own life to make it happy, healthy, strong, a life lived full of love and caring. If you stop living, then what he taught you, everything he taught you from the day you were born, has been for nothing. Honor him by living, by knowing you can. Cry when you need to, scream and throw pillows, but honor him too by living the full life he still wants for you.

With love and understanding,

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear... I'm so sorry.
I know I don't understand how bad you feel, because the only people I have ever lost that way are my grandad and my boyfriend - I was very small when my grandad died so I didn't really understand it, and I had only known my boyfriend for a month or so.
It must hurt so much more when it's someone close to you... all I can say is that he would have wanted you to be happy, to move on and live your life for yourself.
"Never let yesterday take up too much of today."
Much love, Em XOXOXO

Laura said...

Oh Emily . . . . I don't know what to say. Except your family is in my prayers! *hugs*

Sommer said...

I am so sorry for your loss and I know that any words I say right now will not cause your pain to go away at this moment. But I know that the Lord gives us the strength we need for getting through difficult times. You will someday feel joy again and your memories will be less painful. For now, cling to the Lord and let His peace envelop you. Cling to your family and heal.

Praying for you all!

Lots of love,
Sommer (S&S forum)

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry, I'll keep you in my thoughts. Sending virtual hugs, xo

elventryst said...

Dearest Emily,

I can't begin to understand what it is you are going through right now. You are truly blessed to have had his as your father. I am sure that he loved you very much. I am so sorry that he has been taken from your life so soon, and I will remember you and your family in my prayers. May God be near you as you go through this time.

God bless you,

Elizabeth Kay said...


You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for a little over a year and I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.


Miss Jen said...

Dearest Emily,
*hugs* dear friend!!!
Praying that the Lord would
give you strength, peace and hope
for today and tomorrow!
Love~ Jen

"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Rachel said...

You poor thing - I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I'm praying that you will begin to be able to come to terms with such an unbearable loss.

Many hugs and prayers

Rachel xxxxxx

Jane Ellen said...

Oh my! I will defintely be praying for you! While I don't pretend to understand your situation, I do want to encourage you with this: Your father is not gone! You will see him again! Take comfort in your Heavenly Father who will never, ever forsake you...even when you are hurting so bad!

Remember that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those called according to His purpose!"

Jane Ellen

Maggie said...

My dear friend, I am grieving for you as I type. I am heartbroken over your sorrow yet comforted by the fact that you will see him again.

I pray the you will find courage and strength from the Lord to receive you through this tough time.

Praying for you,

Julia Marie said...

I am so, so sorry…… don't know what to say except that I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Janna said...

Dear Emily,
I am praying for you.
Love in Christ,

For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, "DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory. O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?"
1 Corinthians 15:53-55

Kaila said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! Please know that you are all in my prayers.

Ali H. said...

Every sympathy chicka. I lost my own father, five years ago this week and I never stop missing him.


Wendy said...

Oh, Emily, Emily...I'm just catching up on your blog posts, and this honestly took my breath away. I am just so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and I wish with all my being that you didn't have to walk through this valley. I wish I had the words to say, but I just want to tell you that I'm so very sorry for your loss, and if there's ever anything I can do to encourage you, I'd be glad to. Take care, my dear.