Ann-Margret...

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)


"...I am still many times fragile and
vulnerable; it's just the way I am.

My parents were like that, too.
It does present challenges for me.

I can be knocked over by a feather when I'm really down,
although, I must say that when I'm on stage, it's different."


Ann-Margret

In Search of Emily...

* * *

Have you ever lost yourself & never even realized it?

Have you ever fallen so far that one day you find

that, somehow, you've misplaced all of your old dreams?

* * *

These days, my one thought, the one beat of my heart, is trying to remember all of those little important things that make me...well, me. I'm trying to pick up all of the tiny, shattered pieces of my life; trying to remember those things I've always dreamt about; trying to remember just why I once thought they were so beautiful.

Over the last painful months, I've come to realize that it is the easiest thing to lose sight of who you really are, who you wish to be, in the midst of all encompassing grief. Before you know it, it seems the most impossible of things to find your way back to what you once considered...your everything.

It's easiest to just let yourself get lost in your grief, to give up on everything you've always hoped for, give up on those things it seems you were meant to be, meant to say, meant to stand witness to. But lately, more & more, I've felt pressed upon my heart the thought that, living your life like that, allowing yourself to give up on those things most important to you, would be such a...waste.

It would be throwing away what I've always stood for, always believed in. It would be forgetting what my Daddy would have hoped for me & what I have hoped for my own life.

So...no matter how hard it may be, no matter how narrow this road may seem to become, I'm going to try to remember those old, familiar dreams.

I'm a strong person. With the love of those nearest to me, the faith that still lives in my heart, & with the dream of a better tomorrow...I'm going to make it through.

I know I can.

* * *

Grace...

* * * * * *

"Women's natural role is to be a pillar of the family."

Grace Kelly

Cary...

* * * *

"I've often been accused by critics of being myself
on-screen. But being oneself is more
difficult than you'd suppose."

Cary Grant

"Thank You" Isn't Enough...

* * * * *

I can't thank you all enough for the sweet words,
prayers, and support you sent me in response to my last post.

You all have touched my life & my heart.
I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

♥

* * * * *

If Only...

It is easiest to try to forget.

For if I think of the way he said "I love you," the way his eyes crinkled up in the corners when he smiled, or the fact that he'll never come home again...

I'm lost.

It is easiest to try & pretend that nothing has happened; to try & make myself believe that everything that is new & different around me...really isn't new at all.

When all I really want,
more than anything else,
is to go back to what we once had...


...is to go Home.

No one knows what to say to me. I think they're afraid to hurt me in some way, but more often than not, it is that distance, that suffocating invisible thread, that hurts me more than any stumbling words ever could.

I wish that someone would wrap their arms around me & hold me. They wouldn't need to say anything at all, because I would understand...

I wish that people would realize, that though the months go by, my heartache does not ebb. It's not something that will just go away. Each day I wake up wishing that this terrible nightmare my life has become would end up being just that...a bad dream. But it's much, much too real.

If only love, and death, and life
didn't hurt so very much.



Daddy, I ♥ you...

Jean...

Jean Peters in
Captain from Castile (1947).

* * * * * *

"I often think our glamorization of Hollywood
stars--the perpetual photographing us in ermine
& bouffant tulle, in French bathing suits or
sleek satin--throws the public off.

They don't recognize us as human beings
subject to the same discomforts of climate &
working conditions as they are.

They expect to see that goddess
leading a couple of wolfhounds
come striding onto the set."


Jean Peters